life

Insight from Mr. Robot by M. Dionne Ward

Started watching Mr. Robot, again. 2nd Season.

Interesting watching Elliot wrestle with this other part of himself, trying to hold it back,
to obstruct the tidal wave of electronic disaster he wishes to unleash upon the world. 

And he realizes it's futile.

How amazingly human that is, to struggle against insurmountable odds. David and Goliath
rewound and replayed with today's pristine standards.

Brutal.

What is to be left, if we choose to give up? Are we just hopeless, hapless Ronin, roaming the
countryside, hoping to be given a purpose again?

Elliot needs purpose, or else his life is just a struggle of pushing a part of himself so far
down that he smothers it. Or, maybe that's just it. That's what life is for some of us.
Starving our madness until we are deemed sane.

Is that human? All human?

His struggle against the inevitable intrigues me. As well as this esoteric portion of inner
turmoil, where we come to these glorious epiphanies about life because of what we endure. 

Because it's fascinating to see the cauldron bubbling from inside. And, most importantly, it's good for my writing.

The Stormlight Archive, Part 2 by M. Dionne Ward

Revisiting the the epic saga of the Stormlight Archive, I'm generally impressed with several things that Sanderson does to compel the reader.

He builds the story, the world, if you will, upon the struggle of dark and light. We enter the story upon the back of a new war with an old face, and are instantly transported to the anguish and hardships that it has wrought. Much like Tolkein and Herbert before him, Sanderson is a master at weaving a story with people and places that are unique and breathable, where each character is glowing with life and personality.

Kaladin, as I stated in a previous post, is the most compelling thus far, likely because he is the focus of most of the book, and because of him being a slave.  Now, he is not just a slave to his master Lighteyes, but a slave to his code of honor.  This is ultimately what draws his honorspren, Syl, to his aid and what allows her to grant him the great power to ride the winds of the storm.

I think we find that struggle of any sort, builds character. It opens the mind to ideas and abilities that might have remained dormant otherwise. We are reminded each day, whether it be in the media or in our own lives, that life is precious and often very difficult.  However, we as human beings seem to take it for granted. We have great suicide rates, abortion rates and ridiculous wars that work to polarize us, pushing us to oppose each other in a way that feeds our core values.

Much like Kaladin, I find myself having to take a stand. I have to look within myself and become something more than just a man...and to do such, takes an idea, an action and a commitment.

I Look for Motivation by M. Dionne Ward

Determination. Tenacity. Patience. Devotion.

They are what is missing from these days. Beyond the joy I feel from my family and the blessing they bestow, God has gifted me with a yearning for completeness. A need to be whole. In my mind I reach for such a desire with gusto, but I am denied because my devotion is lacking. I no longer feel devoted to myself.

This is an angle I never foresaw, and it leaves me bewildered. There's an aching in my mind that I cannot reach, like an itch in the narrow of my back. But, I still seek out an answer.

I read constantly. I look for motivation. For words. Ideas. Thoughts. And I am always missing something. Something. I think if I did find something, somehow I might not know how to utilize it. More than likely, it’s a matter of will, and I’m just too weak right now to accomplish it. That’s the hard and honest answer. The simplest. K.I.S.S. method and all that.

Either way, it won’t stop me from searching. I guess that’s the beauty of it all. The persistence of the journey and the surprises that avail you as you go.

I wish you fortune and blessing in whatever journey you face.

 

A Wonderful Day by M. Dionne Ward

Got up this morning, thinking, that death, the inescapable monolith of the unknown, could be but a hair's width away from me.  It looms, unpredictably swaying, casting various shadows that lend to misdirected ideas and unhurried dreams.

Today, though, is likely not my day. 

However, I think we as human beings, suffer from the idea that we have enough time.  That time is actually on our side. That we might make it all count for something before the final curtain closes on that last scene, the audience gripped in awe and anticipation for the climax. But no one sees the bow. We never hear the applause.

We want it all, don't we? The big high-five and the gold medal.  The fame. The money. The fucking cheers. 

Pushing the covers away, I slide out of bed.  My wife is still sleeping, worn out from our baby girl's night calls.  As if on cue, I hear her through the baby monitor. On the screen I see she's tossing her head, lightly, side to side, before she succumbs to rest again. Thirteen pounds of beautiful.

I wonder if my wife feels the pains of her years as I do? I wonder if she thinks of life getting better and better? What if we each don't realize our greatest ambitions?

Questions for another time I suppose. 

My feet on the floor already, I stand up, and I hear the pops in my knees before I feel them. It's gonna be a wonderful day.

 

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The Fallacy of Time? by M. Dionne Ward

You can at least notice it, bit by bit.  You can notice how time creeps forward, edging itself into your space, creating the inevitable discomfort with your location and who you are; who you have become. Honestly, I find it intriguing to read that some physicists believe that time is a fallacy.  They say that it is nothing more that a mental construct that catalogs moments of change.

It's hard to wrap your mind around such a thing, because, quite frankly, most people don't have the mental capacity to be physicists.  Most people avoid thinking altogether. Fine with me. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.  Guess that's why I find myself wrestling with life: because I'm not stupid, and I won't fall for just anything.

Dialing it back a little, I'll say that if time is a fallacy, then God is the reality.  He must exist outside of time, in whatever form he is in, doing whatever he must do. Yet, even as he exists outside of time, I know he resides in all of us.






Self: Realized by M. Dionne Ward



"Self-realization is an expression used in psychology, spirituality and Eastern religions. The basic premise of self-realization is that there exists an authentic self which has to be discovered by psychological or spiritual self-striving. Self-realization can be a gradual or instantaneous phenomena depending on the school of thought but in all cases it involves extensive preparation of mind and emotions to recognize self-realization when it occurs. 

Self-realization is a maturing of the ego or personality to accept its own evanescence and thus allow space for the true Self to reveal itself. The moon veiled by clouds is an apt metaphor for the Self's apparent absence in our everyday lives. The dissolution of the ego's obsessive, internal pre-occupations with its psycho-somatic complexes frees the psyche's energy to directly experience Reality of the world as it is, free of any assumptions." 

What do you really know about yourself?  To be perfectly honest, most of us live sedentary lives that don't allow for much physical or mental strain.  Life is actually easy when you think about it.  We aren't threatened with physical harm, most of us aren't starving (especially U.S. citizens, where most of us are overweight) and there isn't much desire to push beyond what we experience on a daily basis.  We are content with our homes and families, poor health and improper diets.  We are at ease with sub-par education, lackluster dreams, ironic reality shows, conceited, self-gratifying social icons and money hoarding corporations to the point that we can't see how negatively they affect us.  On and on, we plod through life, sadly apathetic to what is surrounding us.  We are accepting misery.

There was a time when people were aware of what was at stake.  We took a stand for family, friends and God.  All people, not just the so-called Black people (a misnomer still, that I will always shun).  Our neighborhoods were solid, and we looked out for one another.  Now, we seem to mistrust ourselves and live is fear of each other.  We prey on each other, robbing, hurting, even killing those that are in the same predicament.  Then, we say we want better, but only show our worst sides.  Truly, it is like we don't want to be more, it is like we accept that we can only be less.  The government herds us into "projects" as to keep us from those parts of the city that are reserved for the more educated, privileged individuals.  How can one ignore this?  Is it just in the mind of an individual to resign to defeat, simply because of his situation?

I am saddened.  Today I see myself returning to the best of who I am, reclaiming my mind and body from the  edge of insanity.  To do this, my spirit speaks to my soul and they cooperate, unified, to work towards this goal.  It has been a long time since I've been so clear in my thoughts, but being self-realized grants this attribute.  I cannot go back; will not go back.  In 2001, I achieved this state prematurely, only to lose it in my immaturity and confusion.  This time, I will follow this path to the end.  I will speak up for those who have no voice.  I will show that injustice exists.  I will maintain healthy balance.  I will show others how to come into themselves and overcome.

Have you done your best?  Tried your best?  Even if it is not your best, have you tried at all?  What do you think you are? Who do you think you are?  These questions need to be answered.  I encourage you to find out.

God sings, and I hear Him.  I hear Him.  There is nothing like this feeling.


Compromise by M. Dionne Ward

Should never be willing to compromise your dreams for anyone, especially if that person is not willing to give anything of themselves to constitute a true compromise. I am still traveling, doing, working, watching and just being...so I have much to learn. However, it doesn't take being 70 years-old to see what mistakes you've made, what things to avoid and how to progress towards your goal. With age comes wisdom, but one should be able to refer to the wisdom of others to gain guidance. The Bible is a great, living tool that people overlook these days because they think that this society has outgrown its words. But, even as our society changes, the principles outlined in the Bible will always respond to the human condition. There is nothing new under the sun, and the same things we faced back then, man is still facing today. In walking towards your dreams, don't forget to lean on that ancient wisdom for support. All of us need help, but don't be so stubborn that you think you know everything. Blessings be upon you.

Paralysis by M. Dionne Ward

There are things that eat at you. Things that strip away your soul, bit by terrified bit, swallowing it piece by delightful piece. These issues wait for times of weakness, where we feel lost and uncentered. This is when they do the most damage. It's not like we can do anything. We've already primed our lives for the killing stroke: we can only but await the agony that comes with it.

I allow myself to lose a battle that should already have been won. I follow the weak routes of life and gather the softness that cripples me little by little, smoothing the rough edges of my soul that were never meant to be tempered. I am killing my desires, crushing my soul. Bleeding it dry, as the greatest enemy I have ever known. I am living on my knees.

I see men that have taken life and made it but a toy. They revel in it and make it obey them, or so it seems. So it looks. I can't understand the madness as it is, yet they have somehow done much more than I can. They have conquered something and claimed ownership. I find myself becoming a coward.

I am beckoned to a place of majesty, a kingship, that cannot be granted to anyone. It must be snatched or taken. I must prove that I am the one that deserves such glory. I must make this life mine and shape it so that it defines my dreams.

May God see me through. I need His strength to conquer this personalized paralysis. It's a blight, a sickening darkness that clouds my mind and casts a shade over the light in my soul.

Trapped in the Matrix by M. Dionne Ward



I am hoping most of you have seen the movie, The Matrix. Maybe some of you haven’t seen it, possibly because it is sci-fi and you just don’t dig the genre. Maybe because you just don’t care for Keanu Reeves. Whatever the reason, I recommend it not because of the action, but because of its underlying philosophy. The Matrix challenges us to question the lives we are really living. Are we just sheep lead to the slaughter, walking through life with our heads down simply ignoring the truth of what is going on around us? Can we take charge of our real lives, the REALITY of ourselves, and travel the path towards mental freedom? The red pill or the blue pill? The choice is obvious, if we only recognize what the truth is…

The character Cypher in the movie represented the part of us that would rather accept the façade and live in ignorance of the truth. He betrays the cause that Neo is leading because he can’t deal with the pain that is revealed when the true path is taken. He thinks that living the lie is better. Is that how the majority of the world will feel? Are we so vain and ego-centric that we would prefer the lie over the truth? Sadly I think it is so…

But what happens when we begin to see the truth, and we embrace the hard path that Jesus walked? I have begun to look and recognize the part of myself that is false, and challenge it. Each day I make steps to dismantle my ego thoughts and diffuse them, which is to say, become aware of them. I recognize the ego thoughts that come because they are crazy and full of fear, doubt, sadness and anger. These ego thoughts do nothing but cloud the realness of who we are, and make life much harder to live with those around us.

Why do you think there is so much war and poverty and suffering? We suffer because of our egos and the by-products loosed from their manifestation. Jesus asked us to “die to ourselves” so that we may embrace the path he had taken. This death is refusing what the ego shows us and becoming aware of the veil it has draped over our lives. We must fight ourselves to become ourselves, which is no easy task. Yet it must be done.

Think about all the pain you have dealt with. Have you let it go? Do you still react to it? Does it still cause you to lash out in anger at others? Has it affected your relationships? If it has, then you will need to reevaluate your life and ask God to intercede so that you can let those situations go and forgive. The one thing God says for us to do is to forgive as He has forgiven us, and we will find freedom. Yet, we refuse to live that way. We hold onto it all and bury it down deep till it poisons us and all the relationships in our lives. We must get past this and become better people by recognizing our ego thoughts and challenging them. Those thought do not originate from the real you. The real you is free and clear and beautiful, not bitter and hateful and angry.

Please search your hearts and you will find what I say to be true.

Dragon by M. Dionne Ward

If it then ended, snuffing out
The last of the embers and ash
Working past the present mind and
Collapsing in on a deserted future
I wouldn’t be angry. “I thought you’d be
Different. You were so unlike the others.”
Yet recall your suppositions came before you
Really knew me, hardly knew yourself, not remarkable
And thick-headed enough, your skin soft
And my demeanor rough
The prey and the dragon like a tragedy told
The beautiful maiden, the serpent and gold.
I began free and I leave the same
If you must remember me, forget my name.

The Coffin's Full by M. Dionne Ward



Followed the road
Winding down dusty days
A trail of your memories met me there
Settling on my head
You called my name within
And I felt ashamed to answer
There’s too much I shouldn’t have said

You buried me away
A coffin full of regretful notes
Crumbled ideas and saddened words
That will never be unearthed
A revelation of unforgiving
Murdering the stark sanity of progress
That gives a man’s life worth.

I’m digging into a mystery
Sharing my skies with another
Thanking God that I have arrived
Where I can gather appreciation
Eyes like flashlight bulbs
Wide and brightened light
Escaping from midnight to illumination.

A Glorious Path by M. Dionne Ward




The road to glory
Steps bemused with the network of movement captured
In the earth like travelers’ patchwork, connecting individual intricacies
Where they are left to sift through the changes marked in history
Like a hand pushing through sand hoping to find a unique enough grain
To call your own
But that’s a road too long and a way cut short on a glorious road
Encumbered pedestrian leaving home
Ragged personage propelled and stripped
Of loving arms and cherished ideals threaded throughout your austere
Bewilderment
Hopes caged, for misinterpretation’s sake
Knowing that skies cry blue and the sun is granting light
To you, on the road to glory.

Reason Enough by M. Dionne Ward

A market for the many
A wicker basket and five tomatoes unripe
picking for the plenty
and the poor eat good tonight
you whistling appartion, ghost take flight
bury my mind in my woes and bind my sight.

A life devoid of any
A ticker tape parade dragging the dust
Welcome and free entry
to indulge in your lust
you sorrowful dream, leave as you must
I sulk in my cage and I watch it rust.

A posted, watchful sentry
A somber cascade of meaningful hopes
the commoner's wishful gentry
marked with playful notes
remembering well those loving quotes
so he knows the reason why he wrote.

The Never Man: Recovery by M. Dionne Ward

Recovery is slow, and I burn through the days, so my eyes glisten bloodshot red

when I swallow the morning; I almost choke on the sun, needing to eat light

cause this darkness is keeping my arteries tight.

I took out a loan on time cause I never have enough left over
As it slips through my hands. I’m the Never Man, never could-never can.
I never juked right; I barely ran. I’m in recovery and it’s slow processing and second guessing, terminal outpatient raving and foolish, puerile cravings of a young man, aging. The years grant gifts of periodic joy, I wander and wonder why I play life so coy, why I’m shuffling my packaged feelings like an errand boy.

Recover. Repair. Under duress, my blessings are a semblance of sleepy-eyed gestures within spiritual haze. A hollow wish pulls an empty gaze, a blind rodent scurrying through a tattered maze. The abandoned home. The missing page. I’m the actor performing his show off-stage, the unheard soliloquy fueled with rage.

I wake up and grab my cup and choke down the sun. I want to feel it going down but my body’s too numb. The Never Man: never free, never done, never defeated but always unsung. Recovery is slow, but the madness is fun, and I burn through the nights just to choke down the sun. I learn through the days and the battles I have won. I burned through the age to the man I've become.

Comatose by M. Dionne Ward

Slipping into an emotional coma. Seemed to be drained of what little remained in the first place. I try to explain to myself that there is an underlying message for it all and it probably is. I would like to think that giving it my best is what I have done. Don’t know how to manage loving when loving seems to be returned to the sender like mail that went to the wrong house. Nothing changes, nothing stays the same. It’s a cycle that I seem to be drawn into, undoing what has been done, walking around a path that ends up at the same wall I just climbed over. Sadness pours like a fountain.

Don’t cry for me, I am awaiting closure. Not so much more I can take. God asks me to have patience, and to ignore my pride, which I do. Pride is the offspring of the Ego, and they are both monsters, so much that I don’t know which is worse. Sadness.
My eyes dream of something I remembered and possibly lost again. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s much more than a man such as myself can even hope to accomplish.

God grants you what you need in order to get over. It may need to end in order to get over. And if that’s His plan, I’m good. I’m fine with it.

Liquidating the Cares Causing Corruption by M. Dionne Ward

Living languid in a fantasy world
The pictures placate lies abandoned, they will soon gather in
Cryptic posturing abroad, in the mirrors they pretend
Catching glimpses that describe how much money was made
Crushing codgers thumbing at their pill bottles, naked

Lighting laughter, sketches of dream gateways angled
The pleated monuments caught and frozen in mind
Centering on the sound leaving my life, those words wait,
Carrying meaning across the solar system to escape
Cataclysm, the breath taking, wasted but once sacred

Looking like an imbecile, my pretensions are jagged and heavy like bricks
The crown of genius dropped and I survey the release of my ego
Captain of a ship doomed to disaster one day, like all
Costs me nothing but affords a lock on reality
Contain, contract your lucid act, cock the gun on your favorite.

Leave me be
Thank you for noticing
Common are those almond eyes lurking alone
Concoct some building block that creates a shield
Creating a prison of a promising home

What Lies Beneath... by M. Dionne Ward

"You're just like a monkey...like a monkey with a cell phone you have no idea what's right in front of you."
- Dr. Sjit, Sudden Gravity: A Tale of the Panopticon

I wonder what folks think of me when they first meet me. I wonder if I am at all the type to leave a lasting impression. Do people think I am memorable? Or could I be forgotten just as easily as a morning piss?

The people you meet, they are much more than that surface meeting. I have become increasingly interested in what lies beneath all of that. What lives do they lead? What dreams do they hold? Are they much different than I?

I've met a few people lately that hold similar ideas and have like beliefs, even folks that listen to the same music as I do, which is crazy rare. I watch, and I learn people. I like to see if I can understand what they may be going through. Once again this is speculation, but with all I have been through, I know people have so much more interesting history behind the initial handshake.

I am much more than meets my surface, and that's why I have longed to understand who I am to the fullest extent. How can I say that I am Marcelle Ward, if I can't pierce the veil of fear that holds us all back from becoming? I have said it once before, but I am the man I am supposed to be right now. I will become even greater in the future.


Do people look at me the same way, wondering what lies behind the shirt and tie? Can they even fathom what is right in front of them?

Or would most rather not think of it at all, closing their minds to the possibility of something beyond their own shallow lives?



The mind is the sword. Wield it as a weapon, protect it and keep it sacred.